Buddy The Greyhound's Fun Page Archives Thanks to all my pals who passed along this collection of canine comedy.

THINGS I MUST TRY TO REMEMBER

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.

—courtesy of Chaz, the Chocolate Labrador

WRAPPING PRESENTS WITH DOGS

2. Get tape back from puppy.

3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.

4. Open box.

5. Take puppy out of box.

6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.

7. Take scissors away from puppy.

8. Put present in box.

9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.

10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.

11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.

12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.

13. Take tape away from older dog.

14. Unroll paper.

15. Take puppy OFF box.

16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps."

17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.

18. Take puppy off box.

19. Wrap paper around box.

20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.

21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.

22. Take scissors away from puppy.

23. Take tape older dog is holding.

24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog and sitting on them again.

25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.

26. Take bow from older dog.

27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.

28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.

29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.

30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.

31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.

32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.

33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.

34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.

35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.

—courtesy of Ruth Clements and Nicki

HOW TO KNOW IF MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG:

The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.

That telltale lemon slice in his or her new silver water bowl.

You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

Dog fur has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of his/her crate.

Your dog goes outside wearing nothing but a collar and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots.

The "land mines" in your back yard have been sculpted into swans.

—courtesy of Ben

IT'S A DOGIST SOCIETY

What is a dog, but Earth's most noble creature. We are the Saint Bernards that rescue lost skiers, we are (like my bud Deni) the search dogs that sniff our dead rich folk off of Martha's Vineyard (He says it's true, the rich do smell different), was it not Lassie who knew that Timmy had fallen in the well? Well?

And yet, when our humans see a cosmetically-challenged woman in a bar, what do they call her? A dog!

Oh yeah, "He's strong as a MULE", but "She's a DOG."

When people get upset, what do they say? Dog-gone-it.

Oh yes my friends, these are but a taste of the foul language which abuses our species. How about:

"He's dogging me."

"The dog days of summer."

"A dog-eared book."

"He treats me like a dog." (Hey, you should be so lucky!)

"A dog-eat-dog world."

"They've gone to the dogs."

You get my point. Every group on the planet has their PC terminology and now it's our turn.

How can you help? Glad you asked.

Send your GENEROUS contributions of Pupperoni to:

NAACA (National Association of Canine-Americans)
c/o Sherman The Wonder Dog

—courtesy of Sherman the Wonder Dog

WHY DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS

- He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

- SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

- Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

- Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

- The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

- He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".

- It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

- The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

- He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.

—courtesy of DJ Jacklin

DOG QUOTES

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
-Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
-Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-Aldous Huxley

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $0.99 a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven and very, very few persons."
-James Thurber

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-Ann Landers

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-Derek Bruce

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories."
-Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-Unknown

"Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-Christopher Morley

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person"
-Andy Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you, that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-Mark Twain

"Things that upset a Terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-Smiley Blanton

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-Josh Billings